Well lately Ive been using song names to start my entries, I guess because I realised that some, if not all, of the things I say have already been said by someone else, for sure most of them, more than I can imagine, and so maybe Im too lazy mentally right now to think more, and so I pick the easy way. I've been trying to think how to write this for some days, or weeks maybe, now I just had the impulse to write it, in English, listening to Spanish Rock and reminding myself that originally this was supposed to be in spanish, but ok, who cares, sometimes I think I really dont give a shit anymore about anything.
Lately I have this rush for loneliness, sometimes I feel really alone and pursue to find someone that can fill those empty spaces, but for now I just feel I need to create a wall and just close the main door, throw the key away and not tell anyone where I went. I am used to the big places, you know, the big apple, the big cosmopolitan thing, the thing that is for everyone and for no one at the same time, I've always to conquer, or feel like it of course, this big monster and not be afraid of it. I guess I have accomplished my goal to some extent, Im not afraid anymore of anything bigger than my will and somewhere where I am not really someone, just someone else, like all the others that think that are someone but they are always someone else. For me thats ok, the ego flame I had some years ago has gone to extinction and now I dont really care about the big things around me. Now the problem is not the big thing is the little things that are inside the big thing, those annoying little termites, ants, that are everywhere, that you find everywhere and that never seem to shut up, and you can not do it and you just have to close your eyes and continue your journey.
I've always liked being around a lot of people and watching people behave and be ridiculous and stuff, although I've never liked people, I like to be around them, for the same reason I dont like them I guess. But know I think I've had too much, theres too many, I think there are more than I could imagine, and they tire me, they annoy me, they drain my energy to limits I've never expected and now I'm tired. I dont know everything about people, I'll never will for sure, but even though it is one of the funniest and nurturing quests I have ever had in my life, now I am tired, I dont give a damn and I dont really care anymore.
I want to go, fly away to some place in which I could just really breathe for some moments, forget about the people, listen to nature singing, listen to myself live, my heart, my mind, my own voice around me, no one else's. I have a lot of tolerance and patience, but in a way I think I reached my limit, I can not take it anymore and I am really tired of trying to avoid, cause it is impossible. I have that feeling that I am no longer me, but the other ones around me, and they are becoming what I am, or supposed to be, and now I am nowhere. For the first time in a long time I do believe I dont like this big thing anymore, I wish now everyhting was small, so options will reduce, I could know exactly what and where and how and will have to think less about the rest, since they wouldn't be too many. But things are not this way, there is just too much of everything and I cant shut it down, nor can run away for that matter, because there is still something out there that calls me, and that I fancy, something that it is very attractive, some kind of addiction to this rush that I can't help. The only problem is that everytime it seems to be closing on me and leaving me alone or at least an outsider, the weirdo, the always that to point out. Is not that I care, I've always been that one to point out, the other, the weirdo, the strange, the one that everyone hates and loves at the same time. But now I fear for my future, I've never thought of that before, but know is my futurue, that moment that we all dream of, or the moment that we all sometime in our life visualised as something that we wanted or expected to happen.
My future is now, this is to some extent of course, that moment I dreamed of, that moment in my life where everything was supposed to be the way it is now, or at least close to it. So now I have no more future, this is my future, this is what comes tomorrow or what should come tomorrow, and the day before, and the day before. Imagine the same picture you took of a place in time and that is the moment, the bliss, the perfect moment in time you want to repeat all over again and you dont even matter that it repeats itself, beacause it IS the moment. Well I think this is my moment, or very close , very very close to it, and now when I dream I dont have any other dreams about the future, about what comes next, about tomorrow or the day after, about ten years. I can not even imagine ten years from now, maybe three or four, but not more, there are still some things in this future that aren't complete, but it is getting there, which sometimes I hope not, but if it is then this is it. And I have no more future, I have no more attitudes, I have no more clichés, no more abilities, ideas, places, dreams, lifes nor deaths, there is nothing else, just this, me, right now, in front of every single one of you.
Now I am afraid of some things, not because I really fear them, but because I dont, becaue I dont feel anything about anything or anyone, I thing it has all become and closed together in one place and it is standing still. Time stood still at some point and here I am trying to stop myself because something is telling me to do it, something is telling me that it is enough, that things are changing, have changed and will change to some extent and that everything until now just has to stop and it is time to harvest my life. The only problem is eventhough this is my future, I am not satisfied and I can't believe that this is it, and there is nothing more, I feel I am halfway and that there is still long way to go. Now I just want to shut up the world around and really now or at least guess where I am standing, because I can't believe what is going on, and what can come next, if there is anything else, now I don't know what to expect, Im just waiting until something just makes a sign somewhere and tells me which way to go.
Lately I have this rush for loneliness, sometimes I feel really alone and pursue to find someone that can fill those empty spaces, but for now I just feel I need to create a wall and just close the main door, throw the key away and not tell anyone where I went. I am used to the big places, you know, the big apple, the big cosmopolitan thing, the thing that is for everyone and for no one at the same time, I've always to conquer, or feel like it of course, this big monster and not be afraid of it. I guess I have accomplished my goal to some extent, Im not afraid anymore of anything bigger than my will and somewhere where I am not really someone, just someone else, like all the others that think that are someone but they are always someone else. For me thats ok, the ego flame I had some years ago has gone to extinction and now I dont really care about the big things around me. Now the problem is not the big thing is the little things that are inside the big thing, those annoying little termites, ants, that are everywhere, that you find everywhere and that never seem to shut up, and you can not do it and you just have to close your eyes and continue your journey.
I've always liked being around a lot of people and watching people behave and be ridiculous and stuff, although I've never liked people, I like to be around them, for the same reason I dont like them I guess. But know I think I've had too much, theres too many, I think there are more than I could imagine, and they tire me, they annoy me, they drain my energy to limits I've never expected and now I'm tired. I dont know everything about people, I'll never will for sure, but even though it is one of the funniest and nurturing quests I have ever had in my life, now I am tired, I dont give a damn and I dont really care anymore.
I want to go, fly away to some place in which I could just really breathe for some moments, forget about the people, listen to nature singing, listen to myself live, my heart, my mind, my own voice around me, no one else's. I have a lot of tolerance and patience, but in a way I think I reached my limit, I can not take it anymore and I am really tired of trying to avoid, cause it is impossible. I have that feeling that I am no longer me, but the other ones around me, and they are becoming what I am, or supposed to be, and now I am nowhere. For the first time in a long time I do believe I dont like this big thing anymore, I wish now everyhting was small, so options will reduce, I could know exactly what and where and how and will have to think less about the rest, since they wouldn't be too many. But things are not this way, there is just too much of everything and I cant shut it down, nor can run away for that matter, because there is still something out there that calls me, and that I fancy, something that it is very attractive, some kind of addiction to this rush that I can't help. The only problem is that everytime it seems to be closing on me and leaving me alone or at least an outsider, the weirdo, the always that to point out. Is not that I care, I've always been that one to point out, the other, the weirdo, the strange, the one that everyone hates and loves at the same time. But now I fear for my future, I've never thought of that before, but know is my futurue, that moment that we all dream of, or the moment that we all sometime in our life visualised as something that we wanted or expected to happen.
My future is now, this is to some extent of course, that moment I dreamed of, that moment in my life where everything was supposed to be the way it is now, or at least close to it. So now I have no more future, this is my future, this is what comes tomorrow or what should come tomorrow, and the day before, and the day before. Imagine the same picture you took of a place in time and that is the moment, the bliss, the perfect moment in time you want to repeat all over again and you dont even matter that it repeats itself, beacause it IS the moment. Well I think this is my moment, or very close , very very close to it, and now when I dream I dont have any other dreams about the future, about what comes next, about tomorrow or the day after, about ten years. I can not even imagine ten years from now, maybe three or four, but not more, there are still some things in this future that aren't complete, but it is getting there, which sometimes I hope not, but if it is then this is it. And I have no more future, I have no more attitudes, I have no more clichés, no more abilities, ideas, places, dreams, lifes nor deaths, there is nothing else, just this, me, right now, in front of every single one of you.
Now I am afraid of some things, not because I really fear them, but because I dont, becaue I dont feel anything about anything or anyone, I thing it has all become and closed together in one place and it is standing still. Time stood still at some point and here I am trying to stop myself because something is telling me to do it, something is telling me that it is enough, that things are changing, have changed and will change to some extent and that everything until now just has to stop and it is time to harvest my life. The only problem is eventhough this is my future, I am not satisfied and I can't believe that this is it, and there is nothing more, I feel I am halfway and that there is still long way to go. Now I just want to shut up the world around and really now or at least guess where I am standing, because I can't believe what is going on, and what can come next, if there is anything else, now I don't know what to expect, Im just waiting until something just makes a sign somewhere and tells me which way to go.
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