I guess the only problem now is that it hurts, besides that Im doin fine, everything seems the same and after a couple of days you start to forget, or at least pretend to. You walk away, keep focused, and just go on with the same thing, that's nothing by the way, and then life will pass by as it has many times and all this wounds will go away, or at least heal.
The only problem is that hurts, and it might hurt for sometime, which is not good. But then again it is not as bad this time, does that means im getting tougher? That I might not even care now? That im so use to it by now, that I've just become resistant to all this stuff and I got used to this drug that is no longer effective?. Do I need a stronger and ruthless way so I might care again?. Well I do not have the answers to all this questions, but for sure something has changed, Im feeling different cause it is the same sensation but in a different way, maybe im just in denial or trying to avoid it, maybe this perfect little space I am surrounded by is just the perfect anaesthetic and keeps me asleep from reality.
Now I know how much I miss some things, how the complexities of life are completely irrelevant and all this minor details make up for it. But again I know why I tried to fade away in the first place, and it is because of this moment, of this precise point in time in which again you dont know exactly what to do, and how can you survive another day. Deep inside you know you will, as you have survived until now, but still you have this bitter and strange sensation that you might be wrong and that maybe this time you wont make it, and that your soul deep inside is giving up and leaving you, and that it all ends right here and now. I think is that sensation of despair and kind of hopelesness that invades you, that when it becomes regular it just fills you up and little by little you feel like drowning, and there is no way you can survive it, there is no way or plan or something that can make you fight it, it is just one more drop in the cup, and it fills up, and maybe, just maybe this time you really wont make it.
Choices. Forget about it or keep just verbalising it in such away that it will go away eventually. Hurt until you cant feel anymore, cry until every drop of your life comes thru your eyes and leaves you so exhausted that the name will no longer exist and all the tears will evaporate with it. Try and not think, keep going, be a robot, one of "them", the people, the ones that dont care about anyhting and don't even know where they are or what is all this game about, just because they dont care, so be like them, go ahead, try it, it is painless, pointless and time flies even faster.
Dont think, dont do anything, just let it go, just let time do its thing, sit there and wait. Get lost, by some booze and kill yourself a little bit more, than again you can have your drug of choice and do the same, something to keep you with the anaesthesia but that makes time go faster and make you numb, its more or less the same as being one of "them" but with a little extra help.
To choose. Why do we have to choose?, why on earth of all the possible choices I had to choose that particular one?. Why cant I just pick randomly?, a common normal, plain one?. Why do I always have to go on the difficult path, why I make things even harder for myself, it is already hard as it is now, and then I have to go and look for always a more complicated stuff.
Wait. The waiting game has never done antyhing good but it is the best one you can play, usually it is the best of both worlds, you have to keep on going, but then again you are not going anywhere and you just leave everything to whatever it is that is out there that made the cast for this play. Just go, wait, try to be less gentle, less interested, be the one that no one likes, be the one that they wouldn't really like to know, be whatever it is you're not, and wait, play the waiting game and go on.
The only problem is that deep inside even after all this, the soul hurts, and this are just temporary measures, theres nothing that can take away the pain now. I will always end up in the same place, going back again, cause thats just the way I am, we all pretend, I do, but then I just come back, cause pretending is for soulless people. I still want to keep my soul even if it is heavily damaged and ill, I would just like that the pain will go away as easy as when you close your eyes and dreams are just how everything should be.
The only problem is that hurts, and it might hurt for sometime, which is not good. But then again it is not as bad this time, does that means im getting tougher? That I might not even care now? That im so use to it by now, that I've just become resistant to all this stuff and I got used to this drug that is no longer effective?. Do I need a stronger and ruthless way so I might care again?. Well I do not have the answers to all this questions, but for sure something has changed, Im feeling different cause it is the same sensation but in a different way, maybe im just in denial or trying to avoid it, maybe this perfect little space I am surrounded by is just the perfect anaesthetic and keeps me asleep from reality.
Now I know how much I miss some things, how the complexities of life are completely irrelevant and all this minor details make up for it. But again I know why I tried to fade away in the first place, and it is because of this moment, of this precise point in time in which again you dont know exactly what to do, and how can you survive another day. Deep inside you know you will, as you have survived until now, but still you have this bitter and strange sensation that you might be wrong and that maybe this time you wont make it, and that your soul deep inside is giving up and leaving you, and that it all ends right here and now. I think is that sensation of despair and kind of hopelesness that invades you, that when it becomes regular it just fills you up and little by little you feel like drowning, and there is no way you can survive it, there is no way or plan or something that can make you fight it, it is just one more drop in the cup, and it fills up, and maybe, just maybe this time you really wont make it.
Choices. Forget about it or keep just verbalising it in such away that it will go away eventually. Hurt until you cant feel anymore, cry until every drop of your life comes thru your eyes and leaves you so exhausted that the name will no longer exist and all the tears will evaporate with it. Try and not think, keep going, be a robot, one of "them", the people, the ones that dont care about anyhting and don't even know where they are or what is all this game about, just because they dont care, so be like them, go ahead, try it, it is painless, pointless and time flies even faster.
Dont think, dont do anything, just let it go, just let time do its thing, sit there and wait. Get lost, by some booze and kill yourself a little bit more, than again you can have your drug of choice and do the same, something to keep you with the anaesthesia but that makes time go faster and make you numb, its more or less the same as being one of "them" but with a little extra help.
To choose. Why do we have to choose?, why on earth of all the possible choices I had to choose that particular one?. Why cant I just pick randomly?, a common normal, plain one?. Why do I always have to go on the difficult path, why I make things even harder for myself, it is already hard as it is now, and then I have to go and look for always a more complicated stuff.
Wait. The waiting game has never done antyhing good but it is the best one you can play, usually it is the best of both worlds, you have to keep on going, but then again you are not going anywhere and you just leave everything to whatever it is that is out there that made the cast for this play. Just go, wait, try to be less gentle, less interested, be the one that no one likes, be the one that they wouldn't really like to know, be whatever it is you're not, and wait, play the waiting game and go on.
The only problem is that deep inside even after all this, the soul hurts, and this are just temporary measures, theres nothing that can take away the pain now. I will always end up in the same place, going back again, cause thats just the way I am, we all pretend, I do, but then I just come back, cause pretending is for soulless people. I still want to keep my soul even if it is heavily damaged and ill, I would just like that the pain will go away as easy as when you close your eyes and dreams are just how everything should be.
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